Following on from the last post I made I have been through a very difficult time explaining where dad is, to my boy. He has been sentenced to 5 years for domestic violence which opens sincere concerns to him potentially being a danger to his children. How do a 7, 3 and 2 year old begin to understand where dad is and why he is there and why they now are being punished for what dad has done.
I have had emotional turmoil deciding what to do for my 7-year-old, at first I thought he was better in ignorence due to his age. I have a degree in childhood studies and studying for a masters degree in social work. I am very aware of my own personel feelings in not idealising dads behaviours or circumstances, yet still believe the negative implications of having no present father figure growing up, outway my thoughts about this. All reading I have covered and resources in regards to parents of prisoners (POPS) offered have been explored. I have rang the prison thems selves but due to cuts there is not even a children and family section to Forest bank , my child was reprimanded himself for wearing a football kit, provoking a conversation he didnt need to witness about football hooliganism.
My decision decider came from a conversation with my child. One day when he returned from school I jokingly told him I had completed his computer game while he was in school. He questioned me for a while before announcing ‘I believe you’. ‘You have always told me how wrong it is to lie’. At this time I had told my boy his absent father was working in London. He made me feel a sence of guilt in these actions, which I had used to protect him. He was right and I felt at the time the situation was coherent to his level of understanding, obviously with a level of child friendly language. My biggest concern was how he would feel internally and how he could be affected by dads irresponsible behaviour.
I decided to wait until the day of a visit, so not to leave him with the uncertainty of dads situation, believing the prison surroundings may assure him, dad was ok. On telling him he was devastated he cried inconsolably as I reassured him his dad loved him and dad was ok.
This man is the reason I struggle daily but I feel the systems around support him more than they do me and my child. I was forced to struggle as I believe had I spoken to services I would be under investigation, and at the time of splitting I didnt want anybody around to make me feel judged or explain my self.
I am supporting my son have a relationship with his father because after many agonizing sleepless nights this is where I am and what I believe is the best thing I can do for my child and I am happy to support this. Yet I left my work 2 months before this incident because I had received a letter stating I am entitled to child support in the amount of £7000 due to dads unpaid fees and me working full time, receiving no benefits. Ongoing to prison he loses this debt until release and I get nothing. Not only this I am without the child care I had in place in order to attend university. When I explain this situation to my place of study they explain that they will not support me with the hours of placement and suggest I should defer. The bursary I received has gone to the fees and we live off £64 a week. I also now have to find traveling costs to prisons miles away and hope my sons father doesnt take his own life, not to mention get treated like a criminal myself on entering the horrible place with contempt by the staff, searched and spoken to like an animal.
When starting out as a single parent I was determined to show my son its not good to rely on benefits and how he should work hard and also prove I wasn’t another negative statistic. I will continue to do this, but I feel the system could do more to understand individual circumstances. I never wanted to be a single parent, I never wanted to leave him but law and knowledge told me this is what was best. So why does everything still seem like a constant battle which is out of my control? and why do we continue to be punished for someone I chose to leave 5 years ago #singleparent #prison #domesticviolence #ecologicalsystems #MMU #Forestbankprison #POPS #systems #governmentcuts #support #judged #getoutalive #womansaid #Manchester2019
#help #advice #support
Singles Mother/social Worker perspective in Wythenshawe 